Attention: Love—Relationship Department,
I am writing in regards to your recently posted position of “beloved.” While I’m sure you’ve received resumes from many qualified candidates, I assure you that I am the one you are looking for.
You probably recognize my information and my picture. I’m no first-time applicant. As a matter of fact, I frequent your site multiple times a day, sometimes an hour, awaiting an opening in your company: a vacancy to be filled. I point this out to illustrate my determination. I’m a self-starter—a real go-getter. Exactly what your company needs. I am persistent. I’ve applied hundreds of times, and yet the rejection doesn’t deter me! How is that for resilience?
I have performed years of research for your company. I’ve studied first hand accounts, gathered artifacts, collected data, read books, and performed studies. I’ve written songs, written poems, written letters. All of this work has been, naturally, volunteer work and without compensation. I don’t mind though! I consider it an investment on the position I just know you’re bound to offer me some day soon. (My fingers are crossed that today is the day!)
What experience do I have? Well, I’ve worked for some of your other departments for years. I’ve held the positions of Sister, Daughter, and Friend and my work is known nationally and internationally.
Oh? That isn’t the kind of experience you’re looking for? Well. Umm…there was this one guy…and then another this one time…
Alright, listen. Enough with formalities, Love (that’s never been my forte anyways). I’m going to give it to you straight. I don’t have any of the experience you’re looking for, but don’t you see? The only way for me to get the experience I need is to land a job with you guys. I’m not afraid. I can do this. All I need is one big break, and I promise I’ll make your company proud. Please. Please take a chance on me. Have faith in me. I can DO THIS. I have no doubt that all other applicants are more qualified than I, but they don’t need this the way I do. Please.
Sorry. That was a bit…much, right? I am a bit much.
I reckon I’ve blown it again. My desperation seeps between the words onto the page. Everyone tells me if I don’t need the position as badly as I do, one day I’ll just get it. Ha. We’ll see. Expect another application soon.
P.S. Please don’t forward my application to the “Hook-ups ltd.” temp agency. I’ve done a few gigs with them, and I’d rather be unemployed.