letter fifty one

Love, I need to talk to you.

I know we’re friends now, but I’m still rather bitter about the past, and I think the past is mad at me too.  It keeps giving me problems and reminding me that you didn’t like me back then.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m very happy that we have some kind of relationship now, but the past is still mad at you. I’m still rather confused myself at why you didn’t like me.  I know I was annoying and arrogant, and that I had a temper, but I was just a kid!  I always had some sort of logical reason for getting angry, even though I blew it out of proportion.  And I did try not to be so annoying, but I really liked feeling smart.
All that aside, what hurts the most is that I was forced to pretend I had you when I didn’t know you at all.  I’m aware that you manifested yourself in some people, but I wish you had chosen people that were around me more often, instead of the ones I only saw a few weeks during the summer or at family reunions.  I needed a friend in church to help me survive school, or a friend at school to listen to my problems at church, or a friend in either place to make me feel better about what happened at home.  I know I complain a lot about this, but you have to realize that it was hard I wasn’t ready to handle something like that.
I think this is why our relationship is rocky now.  I’m still trying to get the past to forgive you, the present to understand you, and the future to plan for you. It’s not easy, but I give you my thanks for making it easier.  I know I’m not taking all of the chances to get to know you as I could, especially in the less-platonic kinds of opportunities, but if you give me time I think I’ll get there.  You’re one complicated entity, but I think on the whole you’re a wonderful and important one. I’m going to keep watching chick-flicks and reading sappy books.  I’m going to keep attending social events and try to be charming.  I have faith that with you and me both working hard to work together, we can be best friends someday.  Hopefully without a near-death experience to bring us together.
I hope you’re doing well and are enjoying existence.

About danarose

Textbook ENFP, if you're into that stuff (I am SO into that stuff). I love mountains and the ocean and my largest ambition in life is getting all of the people I love to live on the same block, to cook dinner, and talk with them every night.
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