letter thirty nine

Dear Love,

Last year at this time, I didn’t believe you existed, and if you did, I hated you. I trusted in you and you let me down. It seemed everyone you touched, was broken and anyone who gave their heart to you was emotionally destroyed. I saw my parents finally be so torn and tortured and confused about you that they finally gave up and in the end, they were more miserable than they would have ever been before they fell into your trap. I had loved my best friend as much as a sister, and I lost her. At first because she had changed so much and was suffering from deep depression, and then I completely lost her physically, after she took her own life. After that, there was no hope in ever being able to gain back that relationship. I watched other friend’s relationships crumble and I hated watching them suffer as they tried to force themselves to be happy. I was sick of people that I loved letting me down and prove to be disappointing.

I had also lost love in a way that was way more confusing and scarring. I had fallen out of love, with someone who years before, was the person I loved most in the whole entire world. I realized that my boyfriend of 5 years, no longer meant anything to me. What did this mean? How can someone feel so strongly for someone at one point, only to be completely repulsed by the idea of them touching you? With this realization, I understood how my parents felt and why millions of people get divorced. This kind of lost love was the final and most harmful blow that I took, that pushed my decision to give up. I couldn’t take anymore. You were too deceiving and tricky to be trusted. Or, you never existed in the first place, and you were a fake feeling that we lead ourselves to believe were true to make us feel a superficial “high”. And just like any high, it eventually ends and you end up lower than you were before. My thinking was completely rationale and it made perfect sense to me..

I believed it was better to not love at all, and avoid the heartache, than to give into love and suffer. I felt empowered that I had cut you off and would not let myself feel you anymore for anyone. I thought I had beat the system and that I was wiser, tougher, and better off than anyone who was foolish enough to love… Until I met this boy.

I wasn’t interested in ANYONE. I wouldn’t go on dates, I wouldn’t make new friends, and I kept everyone who once was close to me, as far away from my heart as possible. The day I met *Noah, I told him straight up that I was not interested in any kind of relationship what so ever. He asked me questions about it, and I was being manipulated into opening up to him, even though I didn’t realize it. After a long talk with him, I went home distraught, because I didn’t know how I should feel. I was starting to feel that warm feeling that you bring at the beginning of a relationship that you trigger to hook a person into your trap. Fortunately, I realized it right away and decided to ignore it. Noah was very persistent. I would tell him I just have too much going on right now to be in a relationship, but I still always made time to hang out with him. Eventually I broke down. I realized I could not hold back my feelings for you for him any longer. I was never happier, but never more scared.

I learned so much from Noah, about love and how you work. There has never been anyone/thing more complicated or dimensional, and therefore I will never have you figured out, but I learned that even though you can be all those things I mentioned I felt for you last year, you can also be wonderful, fulfilling, and the most rewarding part of anyone’s life. We need you and there is no escaping you. The only difference on how you are is how you are perceived by the person encountering you. With a change of attitude and actions, a person can change the way you affect them.

I still struggle in giving you my whole heart and trusting that you will bring me more joy than sorrow, but I make progress everyday, by treating you right and not abusing you or the power you give me. Right now I believe the three main attributes that lead to a healthy kind of love are selflessness, trust, and communication. Without these three things love is EVOL, torturous, and painful. With them love is celestial, rewarding, and the most joyful feeling you can experience in this lifetime. Thank you love. Thank you Noah. And Thank you experiences, past, present, and future, that have lead me to discover the attributes of love.


About danarose

Textbook ENFP, if you're into that stuff (I am SO into that stuff). I love mountains and the ocean and my largest ambition in life is getting all of the people I love to live on the same block, to cook dinner, and talk with them every night.
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