letter twenty two

Love dear,

I’d like to thank you for helping me stay happy. Every time I’ve been a girlfriend, you’ve been dedicated to help me see only good in that person, and to feel only optimism for my relationships. I accredit myself for being a very loyal girl, but this gift would not be possible if not for your presence and help. See, without you, I would much more speedily get over these boyfriends and move on. I would be able to make logical decisions to get rid of certain poor influences or to avoid a few more drinkers or druggies, if it weren’t for you. However, I love these people amidst their uncertain, in-the-moment lifestyles, and you, love, convince me that they are so much more than what the honor code office would judge.

Actually, I think you might have had a bad influence on me at times.

I got back home a little more than a week ago, and my room reminds me of the boys I dated in high school. Not that they ever came in here. But my bed is still in the same place it used to be, right next to the power outlet where I’d plug in my cell phone, and with that cell phone, and on my bed, I would talk to Bo or Brent or Justin or Inwoo for hours. Or I’d text them. It depended.

In any case, every one of these boys was a wrong choice, no matter what you say. You’re so stubborn, too! You still make me think about Justin, even though he was a cheater and you know he was pursuing someone else before I had broken up with him. And even besides him, you still guide my facebook venturing, and I’ve stopped at each of these boys’ profiles every once in a while, to entertain the speculation on what might have been. It drives me crazy. It makes me feel like an idiot. I wish you’d stop holding me back from getting over people. It’s been years.

Love, it is because of you that I always want a boyfriend. You’re over all the time when I have one, and then whenever I break up, sometimes I feel like you’ve totally left my life. It’s typically you I want, more than the boy. That’s my biggest problem, every time. Sometimes I’m not so much in love with him as much as I’m in love with you. I just like having you around. You don’t usually come over with most of the guys I just hang out with. That’d be scandalous, we saw that in high school. It’s more acceptable for you to come over with boyfriends, and that’s why I want boyfriends so much.

I’d like to ask you something about that, though. Why Adam? I think you tried too hard to enter into our friend time, and it was a little frustrating. Not that it did anything to our friendship, but I think it made both of us a little uneasy. I’m glad he and I identified that soon enough and we disinvited you. It’s made a world of difference, because, frankly, you didn’t really add that much when you came with us places. So I guess Adam was an exception to everything. You’re not always, always what I want. (I can understand why you tried, though.)

Interesting how sometimes you’re the best thing about someone, like you’re the only reason I’d have a stupid guy for a boyfriend, when other times you ruin everything, because you embarrass everyone and you try to force yourself into things. Interesting. It’s good though, that thus far, you have been somewhat easy to control. I don’t think I’ve had anyone come along that would have you take over me. And don’t do that too soon. Give me time, love. I want to know what I want before anything too significant happens that causes you to come onto me and force anything or anyone into my head. I’d rather not be in love with anyone so soon, because I’m scared and inexperienced. I don’t mind having boyfriends for now. I don’t mind having you around.

Actually, I wouldn’t mind seeing you again some time soon.
C.

PS. What about Kyle?

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About danarose

Textbook ENFP, if you're into that stuff (I am SO into that stuff). I love mountains and the ocean and my largest ambition in life is getting all of the people I love to live on the same block, to cook dinner, and talk with them every night.
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