You scare me. And because of that I try to stay away from you. Sure I have felt you throughout the years. For me, you are a calming peace mixed with a hint of joy. I felt you last week, while watching my neice and nephew look at the flamingos while we were at the zoo. I felt you when thinking about a very dear friend of mine. I felt you before traveling to a doctor so that I could be diagnosed for some mysterious heart problem. I know what it is to feel love. And I love it. I love love. However, it is the being in love that scares me. First of all, I feel that my idea of being in love differs from my idea of love. My idea of being in love is that it entails making out long into the night and eventually sex. At least that is how I have been taught by American culture. And this is where my fears step in. That is not me. While some lovers may be physical, I am not. However, I incorrectly believe that love is only expressed through physicalness. Not being able to stand up to what I believe are others’ expectations of showing love paralyzes me. It keeps me off the dance floor and standing along side the wall. It keeps me out of the baseball game and in the dugout. It makes me have to be content with the little pieces of love that I have.
My problem is that my idea of being in love is wrong. I don’t know how to fix it. Although I try to change it, when ever I attempt to initiate a relationship that make progress towards being in love, I am paralyzed with the fear that I can’t perform up to my partners standard of love. But what if their idea of love is the same as mine? What if for them love is more than physicality? What If it is sharing time, laughing, and creating memories? I would love that.
And so it is my hope that you, love, in the future will be a little less scary.